I made a mad dash to see “The Avengers” this weekend, and the box office numbers would suggest most of you did, too - the film had the biggest opening in Hollywood history, bringing in a cool $200.3 million in the U.S. and Canada and $441.5 million abroad.
I’d been looking forward to this mega-superhero-mash-up flick for years, and purchased my advance ticket (for a 3D showing, of course) the day it went on sale. My man Joss Whedon did not disappoint. His trademark wry humor was ever-present, as were the heavier emotional moments and the epic sweeping action sequences that are essential in order to successfully transition comics to the big screen. Miraculously, the filmmakers managed to make a succinct, gripping film with 7 lead characters. It was a joy to watch from start to finish, even if I did have minor gripes about the antagonist Loki’s somewhat ambiguous goal (Does anyone understand what the guy wanted, besides to “take over the world,” a la Pinky and the Brain, and simultaneously one-up his brother Thor? Whatever. He had a cool helmet.).
All this Avengers frenzy got me to thinking… if they were all pitted against each other, which Avenger would win?
BATTLE ROYALE TIME!!!
Iron Man is pretty much ready for anything. In his suit, billionaire/genius Tony Stark can fly, shoot lasers, punch things, and make direct calls to his girlfriend, Pepper Potts. However, all you have to do is get Stark out of the suit, and he’s dead. Granted, that’s the problem - the suit is nearly indestructible. And even without the suit, Stark could probably fast-talk you into a state of confused distraction while he pressed a secret button hidden under a remote rock that would blow you to pieces. You can’t bribe him, either, because there’s nothing this guy wants more than to win.
Captain America: My personal favorite (this may or may not be entirely due to the fact that, hello, Chris Evans has the most stunning physique ever), this old-fashioned piece of American apple pie is blessed with unusual strength, endurance, agility, speed, reflexes, durability, and healing, all of which are at the zenith of natural human potential. He doesn’t have to strap on a suit or anything to get ready for a fight, since he’s already awesome, but his fancy shield sure helps. The Captain would probably never fight a woman, though. He would refuse, out of his 1940s beliefs in respect (swoon!), while Black Widow punched him silly.
Thor is practically a god, so there’s that. He’s nearly invincible, has godlike strength, and can control the atmosphere. Plus he can summon his Hammer to him whenever he wants (“Accio Hamer!”), and the thing causes major damage, but not enough to break through Iron Man’s suit or Captain America’s shield. It would be best to throw Natalie Portman at him to distract him, then attack. But really… Thor’s probably going to win. Sorry.
No one, not even Thor, is a match for the Hulk’s brawn. However, the likelihood of Mr. Hulk getting distracted by some random shiny thing is pretty high. The dude just does what he wants, much like a 4 year old. A very, very big 4 year old. He doesn’t strategize; he just smashes. So someone with sharper wits about them could get the upper hand easily - if they can figure out a way to contain him and bring him down. Otherwise, it’s probably best to let him run off after that airplane. (My tip? Make the guy happy. Someone really just needs to give him a hug and bring him a batch of homemade cookies.)
Black Widow has the ultimate weapon at her disposal: her breasts. Honestly, all she has to do is unzip that suit and every man fighting her will be rendered stupid and defenseless. If I were her, I would use that in every fight. On the other hand, she doesn’t have much else going for her. She’s awesome as far as humans are concerned (she’s a world-class athlete and gymnast, trained in every type of hand-to-hand combat ever created, and an excellent marksman), but in a fight against someone with super powers, she’s done for. Plus her little hand guns are no match for Iron Man’s missiles.
Poor Hawkeye. He’s just a really fit dude that knows archery. He might be able to shoot his opponents in the eyes (and Black Widow he could just straight up kill), but take away his arrows and he’s done for. Plus you already know where he’s going to try to hide - way up high somewhere in a dark corner.
My odds are complete bullshit, true, but my money’s on Thor. Anyone care to defend their champion of choice?