Lessons From Vegas.

Image Source: huntergallien

Since last week hailed the arrival of my 25th year of breathing, I felt it appropriate to simultaneously celebrate and mourn this quarter-life milestone. And since there’s no better city in America for foolishly grasping to the desire to stay young and wild and free than Las Vegas, two of my best friends and I headed there this last weekend to get a little crazy.

The craziness was had in full, but certainly not to the degree that would be deemed inappropriate. No one fell asleep in the Bellagio fountain pool, no one hooked up with any Persian drug lords, and no one woke up married/bearing a new tattoo/missing a finger. We had hangovers, but none so bad that they might provide material to the popular movie franchise’s screenwriters for the the second sequel. In fact, I’d say that my visit to Vegas was downright educational, as I ended up learning some valuable lessons over our less-than-24-hours-long trip (we did it the get-in-and-get-out way this time around, which suited my near-elderly self just fine).

I’m feeling generous today, in my newly-matured state of forced adulthood (for real, though, it’s all downhill from here… being able to rent a car on the cheap was all I had to look forward to, and now I have nothing), so I will share the Top 10 lessons I gathered from my brief stint in everyone’s favorite city of sin with you here:

1) Always tell the hotel there’s only 2 guests staying in your room. They charge extra for more people, and your third/fourth/twentieth guest can just wander around the gambling floor for a bit while you check in, before you all sneak up together. You will save a lot of money this way; just be sure the hotel doesn’t try to screw you over and “upgrade” you from two queens to a king bed. That would make things very uncomfortable between you and your friends, whom you love, but perhaps not that much.

2) Plan ahead when it comes to meals. Getting reservations at the nicer hotel restaurants is pretty darn difficult when it’s the afternoon the day of, unless you want to join the East Coasters eating dinner at 5:00 PM. It’s also always a pain in the ass to find somewhere with a decent brunch, so just research these important details ahead of time. Your impatient, hungry, and drunk future self will thank you when you get to just show up and eat without wandering around a giant hotel for an hour.

3) A douchey vibe does not a good club make. In lieu of writing a scathing review on Yelp (Because who does that, anyway? Only sad people with too much time on their hands… and me), I will just tell you all right here that the much-to-do’ed Marquee club at the Cosmopolitan hotel is to be avoided at all costs. They try very hard to appear exclusive and grand, but there is nothing to justify all the hooplah. First of all, we were told by the hotel concierge to line up for the club by 10:00 PM at the latest in order to avoid a 90 minute wait in line. So we showed up at 9:30 PM but there was no line whatsoever, so we just waltzed right in, because, you know, it was freaking early and the club was dead. On our way inside, we learned that the club charges $20 for females to enter if they’re not staying at that hotel. WHA?! This is an unspoken law of bearing the burden of womanhood: Thou shalt always gain free access to clubs. We forked over the money and wandered around the three-tiered club all night trying to find decent music that wasn’t either 90s hip-hop or Akon from three years ago. We failed on that front. There was also a horrible ass of a bouncer who at one point at the end of the night felt the need to harass us when we tried to rest in a quiet spot outside. Me being me, I said to him directly: “You are a fucking asshole,” to which he responded, “Yeah, I get that a lot.” An asshole who’s also clichéd? Come on. At the end of our night, we learned that the club directed everyone to walk down five flights of stairs (NOT FUN after hours of dancing in high heels), because they don’t have elevators or a proper exit. Just UGH all the way around.

4) If an ugly guy stumbles up to you while you’re breaking it down on the dance floor and asks if he can dance with you, it’s very easy to get rid of him: just say “No.” Nothing more. This happened, I said the magic word, and Mr. Ugso retreated. Yes, it was a not very nice move on my part, but it was definitely efficient. At least the poor guy asked if he could dance with me; if a man does the normal move of simply attaching himself to your backside out of nowhere like a stealthy mollusk, I recommend that you simply stop  dancing, turn to him, say my magic word (“No”), and walk away. It’s hard to argue with such a direct rejection, and it’s much cleaner than “Ohhh…umm… I have a boyfriend? I need to go find my friends? I have to go to the bathroom?”, or any of the other stupid excuses girls make up to get away from creepy sex hunters.

5) There is no such thing as a “free drink” when you’re a woman soliciting one from a man. You will always work hard to earn that drink, and will most likely suffer greatly for the cause. Sometimes it’s better just to fork over the $15 and buy your own drink, unless you’re really interested in hearing about some sad, chunky, balding 34-year-old-from-Riverside’s thrilling life of working in retail. I had to talk to said miserable man for far too long to justify the weak drink I was given in return. The worst part was that he knew he was miserable, referring to his life as boring and shrugging in apology for his complete lack of appeal. Me being me, I asked him straight up, “Is there anything you wish you did for a living? What do you dream about? What would make you happy?” The man smiled sadly and said he would like to open up his own brewery, and I said, “Seriously, you should do that. Just go be happy. It’s worth fighting for,” to which he looked off in the distance wistfully and shook his head, dismissing the notion. I wanted to sympathy-murder us both.

6) The true natures of friendships are revealed when at least one party is really, really drunk. A best friend will hold you while you break down crying in the middle of the club, return with you to the room even though it’s only 1am, order you sweet potato fries and hummus over room service, turn on a bad rom com on the hotel tv, and spend an hour reassuring all your sad, drunken fears and worries. How do I know this? Because I was the sad, drunk one in the above scenario, and I burst into a sudden and unprovoked fit of sobs in the middle of a dark hallway in the club because I miss my deployed fiancé so much and I’m stressed about our future and blah blah blah. I rarely cry, so this was beyond embarrassing. Thankfully, a very kind girl came out of nowhere (I think I maybe believe in angels now? She seemed like one) and began stroking my hair and asked what was wrong, and I told this stranger my pathetic story and she listened and cared, until my friends found me and were able to take care of me as already stated above. (Lauren and Sonya, I love you, I’m sorry, and thank you for demonstrating yet again the nature of forever-friendship.)

7) If you’re coming to Vegas from Los Angeles, just save yourself some trouble and fly. It’s really not worth it to drive. My friends and I got lucky this time around and made each leg of the trip in about 5 hours, but driving back on Sunday afternoon while exhausted and nursing a pounding headache, especially if there’s traffic or bad weather, is the absolute worst way to end an otherwise good weekend. You don’t really save much money by driving, and I once got stuck in such bad traffic that it took 10 hours to get home, so you definitely don’t save any time.

8) Anyone who claims to looooooove coconut water (i.e. any female celebrity) is lying. Like, absolutely, unwaveringly, undeniably lying while wearing a stupid smug self-satisfied grin. Do not go out and buy yourself some, thinking that it will be so wonderful to drink it when you’re hungover and need to rehydrate and replenish your electrolytes. You will take one sip of that shit and be presented with the urge to throw up. So, you know, if you’re drunk and looking for a way to sober up, maybe then it’s a good idea to drink the coconut water and puke out whatever alcohol’s still in your stomach. Otherwise, as I learned the hard way, coconut water, in all its repulsive glory, will just make your hangover even more unbearable.

9) Speaking of hangovers, I have one word for you: Sriracha. Whatever you eat for dinner the night after drinking, douse that shit with this most perfect of all condiments, and life will be good again.

10) Final bit of hangover advice: Go for a run. Sweating out all those toxins (and avoiding alcohol for a long while afterwards) will help tremendously. It’s a magical cure that most people forget about, because the last thing you want to do when you’re hung-over is exercise. But it will help, I promise.

To all who dare to venture to Las Vegas, I wish you godspeed and good luck. I hope that my insights can be of some use to you, but keep in mind that in Vegas you’re allowed to be a little idiotic and untethered, so feel free to ignore and forget everything you just read. Also, it’s perfectly okay if you want to listen to Katy Perry’s “Waking Up In Vegas” song on repeat the whole time.

10 Completely Last-Minute Halloween Costume Ideas.

Did you just decide, due to peer pressure and an overwhelming sense of feeling left out of the world, to go out tonight because it’s one of the greatest party nights of the year, in which you can make out with people and have no idea what they actually look like and just call them “Mario” or “Catwoman” or whatever while shivering in the freezing night air and drinking and smashing pumpkins that some tired, overworked mom stayed up until 3am the night before to carve to please her 4 children who will now sob relentlessly when they get home and see the massacre you’ve caused?

Yes? Good for you! But you don’t have a costume? And no money or time to waste at one of those horrible pop-up Halloween stores that will inevitably be packed by 5:00 PM today with fellow procrastinators? Don’t worry. You don’t need time OR money if you’re okay with doing Halloween slacker-style.

Here are 10 completely-last minute Halloween costume ideas that require minimal time, money, or effort. Whatever you choose to dress up as, have fun, and most importantly - be safe tonight.

1. Mummy.

Photo Source: Enlewof 

Easy. You’ve got toilet paper, right? Oh for god’s sake. Okay, run across the street to the gas station and steal some from their bathroom. NOW you’ve got toilet paper! Take a roll and wrap that bitch around yourself until it’s all gone. Secure with carefully spaced pieces of tape. Also, make sure you’re wearing something underneath all this paper, please. It’s flimsy and liable to fall off eventually, and no one wants to see you naked.

2. Goth Chick.

Image Source: c3swashbuckler

This is best if your hair is already black, though you can always dye it if you’re feeling adventurous; or purchase one of those super cheap black “witch” wigs from the seasonal aisle in the grocery store. Then all you need to do is slather on some black eyeshadow and eyeliner and nail polish. Don’t forget to paint your lips black (just use the eyeliner). Wear black clothes. Look pissed off all night. No one will ask any questions anyway.

3. Edward Scissorhands.

Image Source: Outsider Narratives

This one’s for the boys. Take some gel and mess up your hair - get it to stand up as straight as possible (dye it black if you feel extra-committed). Wear a black shirt (preferably long-sleeved), pants, and shoes. Now, here’s the kicker - take some knifes from the kitchen (let’s use plastic to be safe, mmkay?) and take them on to each of your fingers. Genius! You’re so fucking clever.

4. A Hip TV Show.

Image Source: The Daily Green

Take a big cardboard box. Cut a hole on the bottom and sides for your head and arms, respectively. On the side, draw a large square signifying a television screen. Inside that, use your best drawing skills to illustrate your favorite television show. Extra points if you go super meta and make it a reality show - now your costume is all full of MEANING and shit. I recommended “Honey Boo Boo” - that’s a guaranteed crowd-pleaser.

5. Thought.

Image Source: Apartment Therapy

Take a book you don’t particularly care for (here’s a great excuse to destroy an old college textbook), and rip out some of the pages. Tape them to yourself. As you walk around, you can invite all the hot girls to come over and read you. You’ll seem super intellectual when you explain that tonight you’re dressed as a physical representation of the concept of “Thought.” You could also cover yourself with pages from a calendar, and represent “Time,” or pages from a map (do those still exist?) and represent “Space.” No matter what, you’ll come across as a supreme intellectual.

6. Homeless Man.

Image Source: iStockphoto

This one’s so easy it’s stupid. Don’t shower today. Definitely don’t shave. Now wear those clothes your mom used to harp on you to throw away years ago when you still lived at home (It’s okay, we all know you still live at home) - the ones that have a ton of holes and are stretched out and thin and perpetually smelly. Don’t wear shoes. Now take a scrap of cardboard and write some plea for help on it in Sharpie, and carry it around with you the rest of the night. Extra credit if you smear real human feces on yourself.

7. Sexy Slut.

Image Source: (You really want to know? Sheesh.) 1337x

Girls, wear your lingerie. Yes, that means just your bra and some panties (full-coverage, we beg of you, no thongs). Don’t act all offended - you know you’re aiming to wear about that much clothing tonight anyway, and this way you won’t drop $100 on a “Sexy Superwoman” outfit. Just own the fact that tonight is all about flaunting what assets you may or may not actually have, and save yourself some change. And yes, naturally, you must wear heels and tons of makeup. But you already knew that.

8. Personal Flaw.

Image Source: Shutterstock

This one, I kid you not, came to me in the middle of the night, and I found it to be so stupendously brilliant that I took the time to roll over, pick up a pen, and scribble it down in my bedside journal. Here’s the concept: whatever your biggest flaw is, you write it on a piece of paper that you wear on the front of your shirt. “Short-tempered.” “Lazy.” “Fat.” “Pretentious.” Whatever. When people ask you what the heck is the deal with your costume, you look them directly in the eye and answer solemnly, “It’s Halloween, is it not? The night we confront the darkness, that which leaves us lying awake in the middle of the night? Yet what is more terrifying than the flaws we find in our own humanity?” Keep staring at them gravely until they slowly begin to back away from you, then start screaming “THE HORROR!” over and over again. (“Heart of Darkness”/”Apocalypse Now” reference, y’all!)

9. Ghost.

Image Source: Leo and Hannah’s London Blog

The old classic. Take a white sheet and cut out holes for the eyes. Boom.

10. Toga.

Image Source: The Full Wiki

The frat boy’s old classic. A sheet, draped over one shoulder, tied around the waist with a belt. Boom. Even better if you can hold a red plastic cup the whole night, as well.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!

Pitbull’s 10 Best Stupid Lyrics.

Image Source: Wikipedia - which has the balls to categorize Pitbull as an “entertainer”

Oh, Mr. 305… the world is sick of you. Tired. On their knees, sobbing, begging you to please go away. Just for a minute? A half minute? A second?

No?

Goddammit. Looks like we’re stuck with you, the guy who had to make up nicknames for himself in high school and try to get them to catch on with the cool kids because no one liked him.

It’s still not working, dude. No one calls you Mr. Worldwide except you. No one. 

Pitbull (real name: Armando Cristian Pérez)is, as you all know, an unfortunate looking rapper from Miami (thus the 305 nickname) who hit it big back in 2007 with his singles “Go Girl” and later with “I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)”. He has not let the Top 40 radio stations have a moment to breathe since.

He is hated by 43% of the population according to a very detailed scientific survey by the folks over at Amplicate. The other 57% of Americans are deaf.

I was reminded how much Pitbull’s poor lyrical writing abilities irritates me when I was listening to his latest single, a collaboration with Shakira (Who deserves so much better. Also, where have you been, girl?!) titled “Get It Started.” And it prompted me to compile this (definitely non-comprehensive) list of 10 of Pitbull’s Best Stupid Lyrics.

In case you need a musical accompanyment to your weekly Torment The Neighbors Fest tomorrow, I’ve generously supplied you with the accompanying music videos. 

#1. “Get It Started”

The Lyrics: “Big news, Pitbull, Tom Cruise, Mumbai”

What does this mean? Is Pitbull doing a movie with Tom Cruise set in Mumbai? Did they recently become best friends, and Pit is just so freaking happy to have a friend (Not to mention one who’s a celebrity!) that he has to share the news with us? Did they get matching tatoos of Mumbai on their asses? WHAT?

#2. “Back In Time” (aka the “Men in Black 3” theme)

The Lyrics: “Give credit where credit is due/Know that I don’t give a number two.”

Sounds like poor Pit (woo eeee!) needs an enema. Or some prunes.

#3. “I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)”

The Lyrics: “Now watch him make a movie like Alfred Hitchcock”

This is where Pitbull compares having anonymous sex in the back of a car to, I guess, watching a movie created by one of the most brilliant filmmakers to ever live? Unless Pitbull actually is under the impression that Hitchcock directed pornography. To which I have no further comment.

#4. “Give Me Everything”

The Lyrics: Think about it/’Cause if you slip/I’m gonna fall on top of you girl, hahaha”

Pitbull trying to hit on a girl = EW.

Pitbull casually suggesting that he’s going to rape a girl = WHATTHEFUCK. 

Also, this line fits in a song called “Give Me Everything,” which in and of itself is already slathering on the pressure. Girl needs to kick him in the nuts with her stiletto and run.

#5.”Bon Bon (Remix)”

The Lyrics: “Esto aquí es para las mujeres/En la discoteca que están buenísimas… bellísimas… lindísimas…/Y ya tú sabes el resto/Yo se lo doy a directTV/je, je, je, je, je mira que tu estas rica”

Translated: “This here is for the women/In the club who are great… beautiful… pretty/You already know the rest/I’ll give you Direct TV/ha, ha, ha, ha, look how rich you are.

This song isn’t as well known by my Gringo readers, but for those of us whose Hispanic mothers listen to the Spanish pop radio stations, we got subjected to this butchering of the song “We No Speak Americano” by Yolanda Be Cool. How bad did he ruin this otherwise fun pop song? He’s trying to endorse Direct TV. How often is product placement in songs so blatant? Well, consider that in the previous song, “Give Me Everything,” Pit makes two references to Kodak. Think he’s getting paid to do so? No shit.

#6. “Hotel Room Service”

Lyrics: “Your man just left/I’m the plumber tonight/Let me check your pipes/Oh, you’re the healthy type.”

Nobody else can make sex sound so completely unappealing. Referencing a plumber calls to mind the image of a giant hair knot being pulled out of a clogged shower drain with a wire hook by a fat man with a small holed t-shirt with pit stains, tons of black goop dripping everywhere, the room filling with the sweet smell of sewage.

#7. “International Love” (Feat. Chris Brown)

The Lyrics: “You put it down like New York City/I never sleep/Wild like Los Angeles/My fantasy/Hotter than Miami/I feel the heat!/Oh, girl, it’s international love”

Okay, admittedly, those lyrics are from the chorus, which is song by Mr. Woman-Beater. However, why did none of these idiots’ producers/agents/label executives point out that NYC, LA, and Miami are all, in fact, in the same country?

#8. “DJ Got Us Falling In Love” by Usher

The Lyrics: “Honey got me swishin’ like a dreadlock/She don’t wrestle, but I got her in a headlock/Yabba dabba doo, make her bed rock”

Pitbull shows up just in time to ruin Usher’s moment with the ladies to make a reference to the Flintstones and a seemingly abusive headlock maneuver. Well played.

#9. “We Run the Night” by Havana Brown

The Lyrics: “I’m Go Go baby, Fresh Oh baby, Go Go Baby, Uh oh baby, no no baby/Yeah yeah baby, now jiggle it baby, let me tickle it baby”

And he even speaks like a baby! The brilliance is really coming together for me here. There’s so many layers of meaning I can’t stand it! 

AND FINALLY…

#10. “I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)”

The Lyrics: “Mami got an ass like a donkey with a monkey/Look like King Kong”

Yes, this song is bad enough to get TWO shout-outs in this list. And I’m just going to let this one speak for itself.

Sadly, in the end, Pitbull has the last laugh… after all, the hits keep coming, so he’ll keep right on making musical travesties. But we all know you suck, dude. Dale.

6 Unexpected Ways To Make Someone’s Day.

I read this article from Inc. today, and wanted to write something that was sort of my own take on it, but then I realized I simply had nothing more relevant to offer because the author, Jeff Haden, covered the topic so fully eloquently.  So, I will be lazy and simply share it with you in full.  I am making a pact with myself to try to employ all 6 suggestions in the upcoming week.

I was reminded just how easy it is to turn someone’s day around when earlier yesterday I was outside running an errand outside for work, with my head hanging down low, feeling like Charlie Brown.  Out of nowhere a woman with a heavy accent passed by me and exclaimed, “Beautiful dress!”  I looked up, surprised, speechless (yes, I was wearing a very nice dress, but her compliment caught me off guard), and a little disoriented (Where was I?  I’d been too busy staring at my feet).  And then she continued, “Look at you!  Look how beautiful you are!” and then smiled and continued on walking.  Again, I was speechless, but the warmth that spread through my soul at this woman’s random act of kindness proved to be all I needed to turn my mood around and power through the rest of the day.  That woman did more for me than she even realized, I’m sure.  It’s so easily to have a positive impact on the world - why not give it a shot?  I guarantee that you’ll feel like you deserve a button that reads “Best Person Ever” after carrying out one of the tips below.

Enjoy!

6 Unexpected Ways to Make Someone’s Day by Jeff Haden

If you really want to brighten someone’s day, do the unexpected. The effect could last a lifetime.

Smiles are nice. Cards are nice. Gifts are nice.

All the “standards” are nice—and all, at least in part, are somewhat expected. 

If you really want to make someone’s day, do the unexpected. It’s not hard. Little things truly can go the longest way.

All it takes is a tiny bit of thought and a little effort:

1. Be thoughtful, simply because you can.

I pulled into a service bay to get my oil changed. As I got out of the car one of the techs said, “Man, those are nice wheels… too bad they’re so dirty.” He smiled, just teasing.

“I know…” I said. “My next stop is the car wash.” Then I went inside to wait.

When I walked to my car to leave he was just standing up, filthy rags in his hand. “Took some work, but I got ‘em all clean,” he said. Every rim sparkled. Every speck of brake dust was gone. 

“Wow, that’s awesome… but you didn’t have to do that,” I said.

“We’re not very busy,” he shrugged.  “I had time. Figured I would make ‘em look better.” Just then a car pulled into another bay so he hustled away, saying over his shoulder, “Have a good day.”

That was four years ago. But I still haven’t forgotten it. (It made such an impression that I got cupcakes from a nearby shop and dropped them off for all the employees to share.)

Instead of turning idle time into “me time,” use your free time to do something nice: Not because you might be expected to, but just because you can.

2. Say something good about something old.

I was waiting to talk to the owner and couldn’t help but overhear their conversation.

The man said, “A few years ago my daughter’s fiancée was deployed to Iraq and they decided to move up their wedding. She needed a venue that could put the reception together on two days’ notice. I told her not to get her hopes up because there was no way anyone could pull that off.

“But you and your folks did. You can’t imagine what having a real wedding meant to her. And I can’t tell you how much it meant to me to see her so happy. I just wanted to thank you again.” They shook hands, the man walked away, and the owner’s eyes stayed on him until he disappeared out the door. 

It feels great to receive compliments for something you’ve just done. It feels even better when someone goes out of their way to compliment you for something you did in the past—not only do they still appreciate what you did, they went out of their way to say they remember. 

Find a person you can thank or compliment for something they did a long time ago.

 Everyone appreciates—no, everyone loves—to be remembered.

3. Say who referred you.

We all get recommendations from friends or colleagues. Sometimes we act on them.

When you do, say so. Tell the owner John referred you. Tell the manager Mary said the food was awesome and you just had to try it. Say Mark said you won’t find better service anywhere else.

The person you tell will feel good because it’s a double compliment, one from you and one from the referrer. They’ll feel good because they’ll know their hard work is appreciated, which is nice, and that their hard work is paying off—which is even nicer.

And John, Mary, and Mark will appreciate it because they’ll know you respect their opinion and because you helped make their professional relationship with another business a little more personal.

4. Compliment for something you aren’t expected to compliment.

I was third in line. The guy at the front of the line was huffing and puffing and threatening to blow the smoothie shop’s house down because, I don’t know, maybe because he felt he wasn’t being treated with the deference due a Wolf of Industry. He left in a huff (albeit a huff insufficient to blow said smoothie shop down.)

The kid at the counter stayed nice, stayed polite, and stayed professional. It was an impressive performance for a high school student working a part-time job. 

The woman in front of me placed her order. Then she said, “You know, you handled that really well.” 

The kid was startled. “Um…” he stammered. 

“No, really,” she said. “He was being a jerk. But you handled it perfectly. I have customer service professionals working for me that would not have done nearly as well as you did. You should be proud of yourself.”

“Thanks,” he said. He turned to make her smoothie, his shoulders a little broader and his back a little straighter.

Every day people around you do good things. Most of those people don’t work for you; in fact, most of them have no relationship with you, professional or personal. Compliment them for something they would least expect.

Expected feels good. Unexpected makes a huge, and lasting, impact.

5. Notice when someone tries something different.

Status quo is often status safe. Taking a risk, however small, is hard, especially if you’re insecure.

Insecurity feeds off silence, so mention when you see someone trying something different. Compliment the effort. Praise the risk.

Even if what they try doesn’t work, they will know you noticed.  Everyone likes to be noticed. 

And they’ll know, regardless of how it turns out, that you respect them for trying.

6. Give someone credit they don’t deserve—yet.

I went out for wrestling in ninth grade. I was nervous, scared, intimidated… pick any fearful adjective and that was me.

A week or so into practices I heard the coach talking to one of the seniors. “That kid there,” he said, meaning me, “Will be a state champion by the time he’s a senior.”

He was wrong—I wasn’t—but in an instant I felt more confident, more self-assured… and incredibly motivated. Those feelings lasted for a long time; someone believed in me.

When you see a person struggling, give them hope. Let them know you see something in them that they don’t yet see - even if, sometimes, you don’t yet see it either.

Belief, founded or unfounded, is incredibly powerful—and when someone else believes in us, it’s unforgettable.

10 Things That Don’t Make Any Sense (Part Dos)

Heyyyy it’s Friday!  Since I had so much fun compiling these vessels of befuddlement the first time around (check it out here), I decided to go for a Round Two.  And so, without further ado, I present to you…

10 Things That Don’t Make Any Sense (Part Dos)

1.  Why are chickpeas also called garbanzo beans?  It’s just one too many fancy names for a single type of bean that isn’t, honestly, even all that good.  They are mushy and bland and I’ve rarely had them in any situation that I enjoyed except in Indian dishes (where they’re called “chana,” as in “chana masala,” which is delicious).

2.  Speaking of weird foods, did you know that coriander is DRIED CILANTRO?  This blew my mind a while back, and I still can’t get over it.  I had dried cilantro sitting in my pantry all that time and I didn’t know it?  Why is it being called coriander, which sounds so much fancier and less Mexican?!  It feels like a weird, unnecessary conspiracy.

3.  I’m on a roll with this food topic, so circling back around to beans… Why are black-eyed peas called “peas,” anyway?  They are beans.  Legumes.  No one really cares about them except for the fact that they now represent a popular band with Fergie in it, but really, we should designate them correctly. 

4.  The lead singer of Temper Trap is Indonesian.  If you haven’t heard his voice, listen to this.  Then tell me that’s the voice of a small cute Asian (I mean “Pacific Islander”) man.  Though I have known what he looks like for a long time, I still picture someone entirely different when I listen to this band (which is, by the way, fantastic).

5.  Bank hours.  Designed to accommodate everyone who has no need for a bank. 

Graphic source: Meme Base (isn’t it perfect?)

6.  Co-ops.  What the fuck is it?  What is a co-op?  Why is my bank a co-op, how is your grocery store a co-op, and why do some universities have them?  WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!  I also tend to get this term frequently confused with…

7.  Co-eds.  Why does this term, which means “co-education” stand for hot college girls?  That is the only context I have ever heard this phrase used in.  Pretty much all schools are assumed to be integrated at this point, and yet “co-ed” is still used to delineate school-aged women, usually in a sexual capacity.  It’s very disturbing.  I want to weep for the woman above whose future coworkers at K-Mart will giggle in the break room over this picture whenever she walks by.

8.  Price stickers and/or stickers on fruit.  They are impossible to get off, they leave that horrible sticky residue, and they’re completely unnecessary.  You cannot tell me we haven’t invented any other way to label our products that’s a little smarter and requires less Goo-Gone. 

9.  Why some individuals have pets that do not interact with them in any capacity.  Does that fish REALLY bring you joy?  Do you have wonderful, memorable experiences with your rat?  Does your snake look at you with adoration?  No?  You just pour all your money into keeping it alive because it’s kind of cool to show off to your friends?  What’s wrong with you?

10.  Beyoncé.  She is not human.

General Happy Thoughts.

When you’ve had a personal meeting with Death, over a pleasant lunch of quinoa salad and lemonade, and said, “Hello, Sir.  I asked you here today because I was wondering if you might find time within your indubitably busy schedule to take me with you…”, you know a thing or two about what’s worth living for.

Well, I’ve been to Death’s dark lair and back, and I’ve found that Life is far more preferable.

Why?  Because life is made up of things like the following:

1. Celebrating my boyfriend’s birthday by drinking margaritas and grilling vegetables (on a brand-spanking-new-grill).

2. Corgis:

Cutest dog in the world?  I say YES.  Come on!

3. That moment when you catch your reflection in the mirror and go, “DAMN!”

4. The buzz you get from a strong, well-made cocktail.

5. Lying in the grass.  Try it.  It’s still as awesome as it was when you were 7.

6. The sensation of climbing into a bed with freshly laundered sheets.

7. Reading a book, looking at a work of art, listening to music, or watching a TV show or a film that just fucking GETS IT, and realizing you’re not alone in the world because someone clearly views it the same way, or else they wouldn’t have produced such excellence.

8. That first sip of a well-brewed cup of coffee or herbal tea.  Hibiscus = nirvana.

9. The high experienced after a really long run or a particularly satisfying bout of sex.

10. Looking into someone else’s eyes and knowing that they love you as much as you love them, be it a best friend, sister, or life partner.

10 Things To Purge From Your Life Right Now.

Getting rid of stuff is just plain satisfying.  We all need a good purge once in a while to make ourselves feel less emotionally and psychologically overwhelmed.  We acquire possessions every single day, and eventually this can start to take a toll on our stress levels, particularly when the items have a negative energy attached to them or when the clutter gets out of hand. 

Cleaning out your home will make you feel like you’re starting over fresh, so take a few moments and get rid of this shit.

1.  Pictures of exes. 

There is no good reason to hold on to these, and throwing them away is the best feeling EVER.  If you have hard copies of the photographs, I recommend performing a ceremonial ritual as you discard them.  Cut up the photos, burn them, play angry music while you do so… it will be so freaking cathartic that you may cry or start screaming from the overwhelming joy of your newfound freedom.  If you only have digital copies (the more likely scenario if you’re under the age of 30), then take your time deleting them.  Go through the pictures one by one, and as you drag them into the Trash whisper, “Fuck you, ex-boyfriend.  Fuck you.”  This rule also applies to love letters or presents that you’re not actively using.

2.  Anything in your cupboard that is expired.

Go to your kitchen.  Open your cupboard.  Look at all those cans and boxes of food in there.  Now start digging.  Dig WAY back.  Look at all the expiration dates; if you somehow manage to have nothing in your kitchen that’s expired, let me know, because you deserve a glittery gold star.  I will send one to you.  For everyone else, throw that shit out!!!  You know that book “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy?  The apocalypse survivors in the novel can’t even eat that expired canned crap – so you certainly shouldn’t keep it around.

3.  Instruction manuals. 

These manage to collect in the oddest of places, perhaps glanced through once, briefly, when the product was first purchased and then held onto in case of an emergency where you might suddenly forget how to turn the machine on  (Note:  This never happens).  You probably have manuals left over from those crappy home appliances you bought while you were in college and have since discarded in favor of an upgrade.  But you forgot that you still had that manual, didn’t you?

4.  Old yearbooks.

Getting rid of these is just as cathartic as getting rid of those ex photos.  Fuck high school.  It sucked.  Why do you need the reminder of that bad time?  How often will you be flipping through that thing to read all the “K.I.T.”s and “H.A.K.A.S.” people you barely cared about scribbled in the margins on that last day of junior year?  Answer: never.  Just toss the damn things and wait in sweet anticipation for your 10 year reunion, when you’ll be able to charge in accompanied by both a limo and an entourage while wearing $10,000 shoes and silently give everyone the middle finger before leaving to go live your fabulous life.

5.  That dress you haven’t worn for two years.

Unless there’s something about the dress that suggests it’s going to come back in style soon, if you haven’t worn it for that long, you’re likely to never wear it again.  Whatever your reason for holding on to it (it was expensive, it USED to fit, your mom bought it for you and you feel guilty), it’s not worth it.  These clothes are taking up precious space in your closet, where you could be storing clothes you’ll actually wear.  Time to make a trip to Goodwill.

6.  Magazines that you’ll never read. 

You know that Woman’s Health from January 2010 that’s shoved onto your bookshelf because you never finished reading it?  It’s time to say your goodbyes.  Gather up these literary gems and either recycle them or take them with you the next time you visit your local hospital (cut out your address first so that creepers don’t pay you a visit in the middle of the night).  There is no content in any magazine that justifies keeping it for longer than the intended month.  Even the publishers know how short the magazines’ life spans are; otherwise, they wouldn’t keep issuing new ones, right?

7.  Greeting cards. 

When your birthday comes around and your grandparents send you a cute card with bunnies on it, you are not in any way required to hang on to it.  Read the card, say awww at their little message of love, collect the money inside (the only things cards are good for, after all, is delivering checks), and then chuck the card.  Do not stick it in a shoebox in the hopes that some day it will offer you comfort by reminding you what your grandmother’s handwriting looked like twenty years after she dies.  You will not care, and even if you do, her handwriting will not be lost for all time if you toss those cards, I promise.  There are a few exceptions in this category (I’m very happy to have every card my boyfriend has ever given me, particularly because we writes lengthy love letters in each), but for the most part, these cards are stupid.

8.  Wire coat hangers. 

These sons of bitches just always seem to pile up, don’t they?  I get frustrated every time I come home from the dry cleaners with more of these cheap crappy hangers to shove into my closet.  Thankfully, I just recently found out that most dry cleaners will actually accept donations of wire hangers – gather them up and drop them off the next time you visit.  Their company will save money since they don’t have to buy new ones, and you’ll save space in your closet (not to mention you’ll save the environment a little).

9.  Cables and cords. 

These, like magazines, tend to magically pile up in odd jumbles in the furthest reaches of your home.  If you have no idea what a cord connects to, it’s time to part with it.  More likely that not, it probably connects to an old Walkman you had in the 90s.  They get tangled, they take up a lot of space, and they are confusing.  Confusion leads to frustration which leads to drunken tearful nights where you start throwing cables around because you don’t know what to do with them and you really don’t know what to do with your life in general because you’re a failure and why are you so alone and life is too hard and fuck the cables!

10.  Computer printouts.

At some point, you read an article online or saw a funny picture and, instead of storing it as a bookmark or emailing it to yourself, you printed it out and stuck the paper somewhere.  Guess what?  You wanted to keep it to have on hand for the future, but your future self will never find it while it’s stuffed away in the bottom of your desk drawer with a huge stack of other papers!  If you must hold on to it, figure out a way to do so that’s more organized – put the printout in a binder with labeled tabs, for example.  Or go online, find the original source, and just Pin the damn thing.  It’s okay if your Pinterest is a cluttered mess.  It’s NOT okay if your desk looks like one of your Pinterest boards.

In case it wasn’t obvious, please do not put all these things down your trash chute and then go reward yourself with some cookies.  All your waste needs to be disposed of properly, either by recycling or reusing.  If you can’t donate it, figure out how to dispose of it in an environmentally friendly manner.  Now go do some purging!

Weekend Getaway Essentials.

I’m scrambling to pack for a weekend getaway with my boyfriend and dog right now.  This is hard because while I’ve been home for the past few days, I’ve been lying on the couch catatonic with the worst flu ever.  But we’re leaving today, so I finally HAVE to pack.  Which naturally means I’m wasting time writing a post for my blog.

We’re heading out to our favorite place in the entire world: Palm Springs.  It’s close to L.A., so we can drive, but it’s also far enough that it actually feels like a vacation and not just a desperate attempt to “de-stress” by going to Venice or Malibu or some such shitty beachside tourist trap.

As a guide to myself, I’ve been writing down essential things to pack so I wouldn’t forget.  I thought I would share them with you, because the list is both humorous and helpful.

Weekend Getaway Essentials:

- Sunscreen.  Well, no shit.  But really, this is frequently forgotten, and nothing ruins a vacation faster than a sunburn.

- Instant Oatmeal.  I am sure that even if I ever became a millionaire, I would still pack my own breakfasts when on vacation.  I cannot justify paying $10 for a bowl of oatmeal at some stuffy hotel restaurant.  It hurts my cheapskate soul.  So, in an act of rebellious defiance, I always pack my own packets of oatmeal, along with some disposable bowls and spoons.  Even though the stuff takes like repulsive feces, especially since I use the non-sugared plain variety, it’s better than parting with my hard-earned money.  (I think maybe this is the Mexican in me.)

- Cell Phone Charger.  Forget this and THE WORLD ENDS.

- Magazines.  The trashier, the better.  Vacations are the only time you can appropriately justify reading “Lucky.”

- Lube.  Heh heh. ;)

- Dog Food.  So Corgi won’t die.

- Water Bottles.  If you’re going on a road trip, get a whole pack of these plastic wonders.  Double that if you’re going to the desert.  It always astonishes me how unavailable water is, like, everywhere.  Am I the only human being who drinks the stuff? Sometimes I think so.

- Three Types Of Shoes: Flip Flops, Sneakers, Heels.

- Alcohol.  Have I mentioned that I’m cheap?  The idea of paying $15 every time I want a shot of cheap vodka literally brings me to tears.  I am actually crying RIGHT NOW because I brought it up.  To prevent such dismay, I bring along my own bottle (Grey Goose, always), as well as my own mixers.  I cannot tell you how awesome it is when you get to drink as much as you want without having to constantly hand over your credit card.  Please do this the next time you go to Vegas, and send me a thank you card afterwards.

- Umbrella.  Sometimes it’s too sunny, sometimes it rains out of nowhere.  Either way, you get to be that smug bitch that thought ahead if you bring this.

- A Big Floppy Hat.  Further sun protection.

- A Bunch Of Plastic Bags.  You’d be shocked how useful these bad boys are.  Need to pack a wet swimsuit?  No problem!  Shampoo bottle still wet from the shower?  Plastic bag it!  Stealing a bunch of fruit from the concierge desk?  Throw ‘em in the bag and run!

Here’s to summertime weekend getaways.  I really need to go pack now.

Ten Ways To Pull Yourself Out Of A Rut.

I decided to write this post mostly as a mini guidebook for myself, since it’s my frequent tendency to fall into emotional ruts where I feel bored, tired, unhappy, etc.  (And no, it’s not just when I’m on my period.)

Everyone gets a case of the blahs now and then, and while there’s no easy reliable fix, there are a few things you can do to help.

Here’s a list of ten techniques to help you say farewell to a rut:

1.  Have a dance party by yourself.  If you’re at your desk, stick in some earbuds and dance in your chair.  Or, if you’re in your car, stick in your favorite guilty pop pleasure (I always recommend Robyn’s “Dancing On My Own”), and blast the speakers.  Go crazy if you’re at home.  Close your eyes, feel the music, and then just let loose like a crazy person for a few minutes.  Shake your head, shuffle your feet, wiggle your butt, smile.

2.  Or, you can go the opposite route and meditate.  Go to a calm, quiet place that evokes positive feelings.  Get comfortable, close your eyes, and just… breathe.  Take note of all the messages your senses are sending you – the sound of an air conditioner turning on, the feel of that bug crawling on your arm, the smell of your dirty shoes (hey, the senses might not be idyllic) – and then just let them go.  If you’re more daring, throw in some yoga poses.  Take 10 minutes to be alone and still.

3.  Talk to someone.  Even if your instincts are telling you to retreat and get some alone time, try calling up a friend.  A good conversation with someone who cares about you can often lift your spirits.  Don’t call up the friend who will turn the conversation immediately into a discussion about her own “problems” or the friend who’s very sweet but admittedly pretty stupid – that will just frustrate you.  And if you can’t think of a single person who’d be worth talking to, email me.  The address is on the right.

 4.  Play with a dog.  It’s been proven that petting a dog has a positive effect on your mood.  From Daily Mail:

Dog owners get the same surge of emotions when looking at their pooch as mothers do with their infants, scientists say.  In a trial they found the owners experienced a burst in the hormone called oxytocin when playing with their pets. Known as the ‘cuddle chemical’ or ‘love drug’, it has been found to dampen stress, combat depression, and breed trust in humans.

Go get yourself a companion, or steal your neighbor’s.  Just make sure it’s not an aggressive dog, or a chihuahua – those things are useless.

5. Do something physical and empowering: run, do some jumping jacks, punch the air, jump on your bed, do a cartwheel, chop some wood, whatever suits your fancy (but don’t hurt yourself).  Get those feel-good endorphins pumping. 

6.  Create something.  Creativity requires that you loosen up, let go, and focus on whatever you’re working on.  Bake cupcakes, paint a still life, plant a garden – the more hands-on the activity, the better.  You’ll get real, immediate, tangible results when you’re done – and that can be incredibly rewarding.  Don’t get frustrated if you’re not brilliant at whatever you’re attempting, though; if your apples just look like red oval-y paint splotches, hang the canvas up on your wall anyway and call it abstract.

7.  Laugh.  Go see a standup routine, watch your favorite sitcom, read a comedian’s memoir… find something that will tickle your funny bone and remind you that there are still reasons to smile.

8.  Go on an adventure.  It doesn’t have to be to Peru; you can just go check out the 7-Eleven down the block if you want.  Do something different from your normal routine.  Go on a hike, check out a museum, or drive to the bad side of town (lock your doors).

9.  If you have a significant other, it’s probably pretty obvious that now is the time to go to them and be needy.  Ask for a kiss, a massage, or a blow job… whatever will make you feel better.  Or be less selfish and just snuggle with him/her (and if you feel like having sex, by all means…).  Human touch can be therapeutic, so take advantage of having someone special in your life.  But please, now is not the time to be calling up that dude you had drunk sex with last week.  He will not un-rut you.  Seriously.

10.  Hell, why not just embrace the rut?  It will pass.  Might as well accept it, put on some comfy pajamas, curl up with a blanket in front of a good movie, drink some wine, and go to bed early.  Things will get better eventually.

Try one of these techniques or try them all, but don’t beat yourself up if they don’t work right away.  Sometimes a rut sticks around for longer than you’d like – and then you might want to think about getting professional help.  But as long as it’s just a case of the mid-week blues, one of the above suggestions should hopefully do the trick.

10 Ways To Treat Yo Self.

I generally believe that all things are best in moderation. Don’t eat too much, drink too much, spend too much, browse Facebook too much, etc. You’ll note that this handy little piece of advice is not really all that restricting. If you stay within in the zone of moderation, you won’t get fat, you won’t spend every Monday running to the office bathroom to throw up because you’re still hung over, you won’t be hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, and you won’t forget how to have meaningful, face-to-face conversations. Nothing bad about that!

Except that sometimes… well, sometimes moderation can get a little bit boring. And when ennui strikes, I follow the advice of the fabulous “Parks and Recreation” character Donna and say:

Hell, sometimes you’ve just got to let loose. Every once in a while, I believe every person should allow his or herself to be selfish. Now, these indulgences should be savored RARELY. Otherwise you’ll just go straight to Gluttonous Whore territory and everyone will consider you a deplorable human being. But now and then, it’s perfectly fine to TREAT YO SELF and…

1. Buy something expensive that’s solely for you that you’ve been coveting forever (for your retirement fund’s sake, make sure it’s something you’ve saved up for).

2. Get a massage. Or, fuck it, just start getting a massage once a month. It’s good for you.

3. Bake an entire batch of brownies/cookies/cake/whatever. Then eat it. All of it. By yourself. Because it’s just that good.

4. Ride an animal (safely and humanely and all that shit) – a horse, a giraffe, an elephant, a llama. Whatever you think will make you feel most connected to your primal self.

5. On that same note, go shoot a gun. Or fire an arrow. Or throw an ax around. Let loose with the guttural noises. Roar, thump your chest, kick the dirt, throw your weight around. I’m personally not going to advocate for you killing anything, but fine, shoot a pigeon or something if you want. Learn what it means to tap into your power.

6. Try an exotic food – escargot, bibimbap, fried crickets, or any other weird culinary delicacy people enjoy in different parts of the world. I don’t really understand why Japanese people think mochi is good, but hey, I’ve tried it, and it made my life a little richer.

7. Drink an entire bottle of wine by yourself, with no one around and nothing to do but watch your favorite movie on TV (unless you’re in AA, in which case, carry on, good sirs and ma’ams!).

8. Take a fashion chance. Wear something outrageous, because you think you look fabulous. Channel Lady Gaga, then go somewhere appropriately crazy like a gay pride parade and feel like a god. Don’t give two flying shits about what anyone’s thinking about you.

9. Dance. Dance like a crazy fool. Dance like your tribal ancestors did when they were worshiping the sun god around a fire. Dance like you’re not confined to your body but are instead one with the music. Dance until your hair is plastered with sweat, until you can’t feel your feet anymore, until your head starts to spin.

10. Book a vacation to somewhere AWESOME. Don’t settle for buying some Groupon for a two-star motel in the town an hour away from you for an overnight stay. Go somewhere beautiful, ideally where you can either lie by the pool all day or go dog sledding. Make it a nice, long, luxurious trip. Take along your favorite sex partner.

Now get out there, go crazy, and then go back to being good and stable. It will make you appreciate the occasional splurges even more.

10 Things That Don’t Make Any Sense.

I find I’m pretty much doing “what the hell?” double takes all day long.  So many parts of life just do not make logical sense; and even if they can be rationalized, my brain still refuses to go along with it.  I’m convinced that most of our problems are completely unnecessary.  Which means I’m just always frustrated.

I present to you a list of 10 things that don’t make any sense.  I’m sure I’ll be coming up with more in the future, since the list is eternal, so look forward to continuations.

1. Why are bathrooms so hard to find when it’s somewhere we human beings have to go every couple of hours?  Bathrooms are incredibly inconvenient to find.  I’m positive that whenever I’m in a building that has one bathroom in a secluded hallway in the basement (see: every major American shopping mall), it’s a man’s fault.  Some idiot with a penis drew up the architectural plans and figured, hey, I pee like twice a day, who cares, and forgot that there’s a female sex that needs to go much more often, like every hour, thank you very much.  And don’t get me started on how plain disgusting most bathrooms are.  We humans are savages.

2. Why does the pharmacist always need a minimum of 15 minutes to fill a prescription, even when it’s just something easy like birth control pills?  I know that bitch just has to walk behind the counter, grab a generic box off the counter, double-check that it’s the right one, slab a sticker on it, then hand it over.  Instead, I’m left wandering around the aisles of adult diapers waiting for the better part of an hour while she reads “Fifty Shades of Grey” on her cell phone.

3. Our American time system frustrates me so much I can barely bring myself to talk about it.  Midnight should be 1:00 AM since it’s beginning a new day.  It makes no sense to start at 12 and then jump back down to 1.  WHY do we go from 11:59 PM to 12:00 AM?  It hurts my soul.  I need everyone to embrace military time.

4. Juice is not healthy.  You think juice is like, oh yeah, hey, I’m from a fruit, I’m healthy, drink me and get thin!. but in reality juice is about as healthy as a can of Coke.  Unless you’re drinking Low-Sodium V8 or some other unpalatable shit you’re just throwing sugar into your body.  Much better to eat a cupcake and say fuck fruit.  Who needs vitamins and fiber and antioxidants anyway?

5. Why don’t terrorists who want to blow up planes and/or airports just get a job working at TSA?  That seems to be the most obvious approach to me – infiltrate the system from the inside.  Duh.  All you have to do is bring a bomb to work, and you’re set!  (Because of this, I am incredibly suspicious of airport personnel.  I also wish to emphasize that I am in no way a terrorist.  Nor do I wish to support them.  I should not have put forth this suggestion.)

6. Why hasn’t everything been streamlined to the internet?  It’s always absolutely shocking when you have to use paper, or, worse yet, the POST OFFICE to get something done.  College applications: have to be mailed.  Unemployment forms: have to be mailed.  Your mom’s birthday card:  has to be mailed (e-cards are still, unfortunately, not socially accepted, because they suck).  We’ve had two decades how have we not quite caught up with the digital age yet?

7. Do the Backstreet Boys want it that way?  Or do they just not want YOU to want it that way?  What the fuck is that song about?!

8. Traffic.  I am convinced that a group of seniors (95 years +) get together daily in their cars, form a horizontal line, and take to the highways.  They then drive all over Los Angeles at a pace of 5 mph in order to ensure that there’s traffic for no reason, all day, every day (even at 2:00 AM on a Wednesday).  The seniors take shifts, of course, mostly because they tend to die a lot.

9. How is it legal for some places to mark up prices on necessities like water and chapstick and packs of Oreos because they KNOW you’ve got no other options?  Sometimes there’s just nowhere else to go unless you want to starve, and so you hand over $20 for a cup of burnt coffee at places like Disneyland and the hospital and those airports that will now soon all be blown up thanks to rant #5.

10. Fake cheese.  What the hell is that stuff?  It’s bright orange, it tastes nothing like cheese, and it comes in aerosol form.  Disgusting.

Ten Overused Phrases That Should Be Abolished.

These phrases are clichéd, lazy fillers that we toss about in conversation with egregious frequency.  I admit that I’ve used all of the following, and each time I know I sound like my I.Q. is about half what it actually is.  Do yourself a favor, memorize the following phrases, and then abolish them from your future discourses.  

Stop and think about what you’re actually saying!

1. Answer to question “How are you?”: “Oh, you know.”  No, I don’t know.  If I knew, I wouldn’t bother to ask.  I’m sure you can summarize your current state of being with more eloquence than that.  

2. In summary of an unfortunate situation: “It is what it is.”  Well, no shit.  That’s not a revelation.  It’s an indolent way of dismissing a problem that doesn’t have a clear-cut solution.

3. “It’s Friday!” or “(Sigh) I can’t believe it’s only Monday.”  How are you living your life if every day except Saturday and Sunday is cause for lament?  Maybe it’s time to rethink how you’re spending those Monday-Thursdays.

4. When talking about a manageable subject: “It’s not rocket science.”  You know, maybe sixty years ago this would have landed with the intended impact, but by 2012 this phrase just sounds archaic.

5. “I don’t mean to sound __(insert negative adjective here)__, but…”  This is an infuriatingly lame cop-out to being honest.  Prefacing an insult with this phrase does not make the comment less painful to hear.  Just say what you want to say and get on with it.

6. “Irregardless” is not a word.  Thanks for trying, but you’re still stupid.

7. Consenting with, “I know, right?”  Are you a stoned hippie discussing the nature of the cosmos?  No?  Then don’t say this.

8. “Think outside the box.”  Nothing suggests that you are less likely to do so than saying this.

9. Any of the following “trendy” sayings, commonly seen on Facebook/Twitter: “For The Win (FTW),” “Fail,” “Best ___ Ever,” “Winning” (so 2011), “Obvi/Obvs,” “So this exists…”, “Nuff said,” and just anything with a hashtag.

…and my all-time greatest pet peeve…

10. “I could care less.”  The correct phrase is “I COULDN’T care less.”  COULDN’T!!!  If you could care less, then you obviously care about the topic a little bit, which completely undermines your dismissal of it.  Think about what words are actually coming out of your mouth for a moment, please.

Get Your Financial Smarty Pants On.

I thought I was pretty solid on my financial knowledge.  I’ve watched Suze Orman a few times at midnight when I was bored at home over holiday weekends, I’ve set up an IRA account (a 401K is an unfortunate impossibility in the more tenuous creative industries), and I don’t have any debt.  I was like, “Aw yeah, I’z gonna be rollin’ in da Benjamins soon!”  And then I read Zac Bissonnette’s book “How to Be Richer, Smarter, and Better-Looking Than Your Parents” and I realized I didn’t know anything about money at all.

Thankfully, this brilliant how-to/self-help/guidebook is written for the common man, so you don’t have to have a degree in Economics to follow along.  In fact, Bissonnette, who is only 23, writes in a style that’s surprisingly similar to my own: he’s self-deprecating, at times a little random, and always hilarious.  Okay, his writing is much better than my own – after all, he got a quote on the back cover from Chelsea Handler.  I will never, ever, ever be so cool.

This book will change your life.  I can already attest to the positive changes it has had on my financial future – I will never again charge more than 20% of the allotted limit on my credit card, for one – and my hope is that it will help you, too.  The $12 you’ll spend on this paperback could save you thousands of dollars in years to come.  Buy it now.  Trust me.

After all, who doesn’t want to be better-looking than their parents?

Here is a sampling of tips from Bissonnette’s book, as derived from this article on Huffington Post:

1. Don’t buy a car based on appearances, ever.  The number one favorite car among millionaires is Toyota.

2. Save 15% of your income annually, and make sure it’s set up to be automatic.

3. Not that many people who LOOK like millionaires actually ARE millionaires.

4. Don’t spend money on expensive wine – people actually prefer the taste of cheaper wines.

5. Buy a home if you actually want to get rich – but make sure you have enough for a down payment and get a fixed-rate mortgage.

6. Don’t get sucked in by credit card rewards programs.  You’ll end up spending more money than you would have just to try to earn those free miles or whatever.

7. Coupon clipping is not a dead venture.  Check out TheCouponClippers.com.

8. Once you get a 401K or an IRA, don’t freak out about how you’re investing the money by trying to play the stock market or something stupid like that.  Just put the money into an index fund and then leave it alone.

9. Live by this old Yiddish proverb: With Money in Your Pocket, You are Handsome and Wise, and You Sing Well, Too.

I also recommend checking out Daily Worth to get daily money-saving tips delivered to your email Inbox!

Top 10 Grammar Grievances (With A Sexy Twist)

The modern age of texting is no excuse for balling up the English language and throwing it in the trash but then missing the can because you weren’t looking because you were staring at your phone.

The old fogey in me wants to shake my cane and wail about the ungrateful antics of today’s youth like everyone else who has written about the downfall of civilization since the arrival of chat technology.  But here’s the funny thing: long before we’d decided it was acceptable to write “u” instead of “you,” people were making grammar errors all over the place.  They’ve gotten more obvious, sure, but is writing, “they’re here 4 u” really worse than, “their here for you”?  Just something to think about next time you get all hot-headed about a song lyric with a number in the title… at least it’s sort of correct.

I’m still a die-hard grammar fanatic who insists on writing out complete and correct sentences even on Facebook chat.  I know I’m a member of an endangered species and that other people see me and cry, “Ohhh, how sad!” just like they do when they see a “Going, going, gone” sticker on an animal exhibit at the zoo.  But still, I will not go down without defending grammar with my dying breath.

And so I have complied my list of Top 10 Grammar Grievances in the hopes that maybe someone in need will finally hear my plea and stop making mistakes that should have been corrected by the time they were in the fifth grade.

And to make it more interesting, I’m giving all my examples a subtle cybersex undertone!  Because isn’t everything more interesting when sex is involved?

WRONG: “I have to adjust it’s screen settings.”

RIGHT: “I have to adjust its screen settings.”

“It’s” is short for “it is.”  If you can read the sentence through and substitute “it is,” then you’re right.  Otherwise, you really want the pronoun “its.”

WRONG: “For all intensive purposes, this tape will be for just you and me.”

RIGHT: “For all intents and purposes, this tape will be for just you and me.”

Take a good, hard look at this phrase: “for all intensive purposes.”  Ask yourself if it makes sense.  NO, it does not.  I don’t know what an intensive purpose is, but it sounds too exhausting and I’d probably give up on it.

WRONG: “You should lay down.”

RIGHT: “You should lie down.”

You only lay down an object.  You can lay down a blanket, or a comforter, or whatever it is you’re doing the nasty on, but you can’t lay down your own body.  Instead, you lie down.  She lies down.  The dog lies down to watch you do it.  Etc.

WRONG: “Don’t loose the lube.”

RIGHT: “Don’t lose the lube.”

“Loose” is when the cap is about to fall off.  “Lose” is what you do to virginity.

WRONG: “This toy shouldn’t effect your experience.”

RIGHT: “This toy shouldn’t affect your experience.”

“Effect” is a noun; “affect” is a verb.  Your sex can have a profound effect on your happiness, or it can negatively affect the way you feel about men.  Either way.

WRONG: “I feel like you’re having more fun then me.”

RIGHT: “I’m totally having more fun than you.”

Use “than” as a word indicating comparison, as in, “He’s so much hotter than you are.”  “Then” indicates time, as in, “We had sex, then she broke up with me.” 

WRONG: “Your the best I’ve ever had.”

RIGHT: “You’re the WORST I’ve ever had.”

“You’re” = “You are.”  As with “it’s,” you should be able to substitute the complete phrase in the sentence before you can use it, just like you should get her full consent before you put it in.

WRONG: “Your breasts are like mountains, i.e. the Rockies.”

RIGHT:  “Your breasts are like mountains, e.g., the Rockies.”

The term “i.e.” means “that is” and “e.g.” means “for example”. And a comma follows both of them.  Stop throwing these abbreviations around erroneously to try to look impressive.

WRONG: “I like that.  That feels good, to.”

RIGHT: “I like that.  That feels good, too.”

“Too” is an adverb that means “additionally,” or “very,” or “excessively.”  For example: “I like doggy style, too.”  “To” is a preposition with multiple meanings including, “towards” or “until.”  For example: “I’m heading over to the strip club.”

WRONG: “I’m literally about to explode.”

RIGHT: Well, actually, that works.  But usually we throw around “literally” like we’re afraid that no one will take us seriously, when we’re pretty much never literally any of the things we say we are.

Also, I really want to know where the person who wrote this post lives, because clearly she’s surrounded by idiots.  I’ve never heard anyone say any of the phrases listed on this blog, but it makes for a highly entertaining read!