TV Review: “The Mindy Project”

I don’t know about you, but the slate of new shows premiering this fall has me less than enthused. I worry that television may indeed be starting its decline, corresponding to the current state of film, where the money just isn’t being put into the right projects and quality storytelling resultantly suffers. The networks are playing it very safe this year with lots of gentle remakes - “Nashville” is just a country version of “Smash” or “Glee,” “666 Park Avenue” is trying to make big on the success of “American Horror Story,” “Revolution” still hasn’t learned that it can’t recapture the magic of “Lost,” and “Arrow,” “Elementary,” and “Beauty and the Beast” are just straight-up rehashings of old stories told “with a twist,” even though we all know that the twists are rarely as exciting or innovative as the original content.

Which is why I had high hopes for the fabulous and hilarious Mindy Kaling, starring and executive-producing in her own new comedy. Her show has a unique concept, a fresh voice, and a non-conforming female star at the helm. However, the title, “The Mindy Project,” ought to serve as a warning for the show’s unstable future - after all, it’s left over from the days when the show was being shopped around to networks and didn’t have a title yet. Apparently one was never settled upon, so the show was stuck with the most boring, vague title on TV right now.

The pilot, which aired last night, was also on boring, vague side of comedy, which landed as a giant disappointment. I’ve been a fan of Kaling’s since she first started writing and acting on “The Office” at the age of 24. I adore her 2011 book, “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)” for its unflinching humor. Every time I’ve seen her speak in person, the woman radiates warmth and always makes people laugh.

“The Mindy Project” didn’t capture Kaling’s charm, intelligence, or humor - and although it’s only the pilot, and future episodes should be given a second (and maybe third) chance, I’m not optimistic. The basic concept of the show is that Kaling plays a gynecologist named Mindy Lahiri in her early 30s who’s got her professional life on lock but is a mess when it comes to her personal life. In the pilot, she gets arrested for drinking too much at an ex-boyfriend’s wedding and walks around her medical clinic in slutty dresses. She wants to find love of the Nora Ephron variety, exemplified by her obsession with romantic comedies. She tells herself she needs to shape up, but she ends the episode by hooking up with her hot coworker, putting off maturity for “tomorrow.”

One of the flattest jokes in the show is when fellow doctor Danny Castellano (Chris Messina) tells Mindy she needs to lose 15 pounds. And while Mindy gets mad, we know that Mindy actually agrees with him, as she makes many self-deprecating ”fat” jokes throughout the pilot, all stemming from a place of obvious insecurity  That’s not funny; that just makes me sad. And while Mindy defends herself by threatening to punch Danny in the face, this viewer at least wanted to see her do more, especially since Danny is obviously being positioned as a future love interest for Mindy.

Mindy could be a great self-hating character if she had other redeeming qualities, but she really doesn’t. She’s shown as being sort of good (she accepts patients who don’t have insurance) and sort of funny (but none of her lines were of laugh-provoking quality), and she has at least one friend (who tells her she’s a big train-wreck). But mostly she’s just this depressing, annoying woman who needs to get her shit together. Hopefully that’s exactly what will happen over the course of the show, but some comedy would be nice to add in, as well. When you’ve got such strong comedic talent (Bill Hader and Ed Helms both guest-starred in small roles in the pilot), there’s no excuse for sub-par humor.

After all, that’s where Kaling is strongest, and everyone knows we need some strong women out there in the film and television world right now. I’ll keep watching “The Mindy Project” for now, but only because I’m in an optimistic state of my life. Here’s hoping it gets better.

Bye Bye, Hollywood.

Image Source: Jpegy

An observation that will not interest anyone outside of “the industry,” and for that I apologize: people in Hollywood seem to mature at a uniquely slow rate.

I have been aware of this fact for the 6 or so years that I’ve been immersed in it in some capacity, but I hadn’t fully felt the weight of it until I got engaged, at which point I realized I hardly knew anyone who worked in film or television who was in roughly my age category (20s) who was in a serious relationship, much less talking about marriage. Everyone’s dating around, but no one’s in a hurry to settle down. For some people, that’s fine (I’m awfully young to be getting married, after all), but for others, I’ve noticed that they have no intention of growing up ever. That doesn’t just include getting married (hardly a qualifier of maturity) - they want to keep acting immature in all aspects of their lives for as long as possible.

Hollywood encourages the idea of postponing adulthood; if you ever idealized the story of Peter Pan, this is the world for you. Real responsibility can be put off indefinitely if only you gain enough notoriety and money (I’ve had bosses that have had me set up their health insurance, pay all their phone bills, and remind them when and what to eat. In other words, I was paid to act like their mother.). Childhood impulses reign supreme; if you’re greedy, selfish, and “popular,” you’ll succeed. Usually, though, if you’re on the nice/quiet/polite/thoughtful/compassionate/anything else that’s good side of the personality scale, you’ll work in the industry forever, sure, but you’ll never gain the status that drew you to make it your career choice in the first place.

Can you tell I’m bitter? I am. Which is why I’ve finally made the semi-radical decision to leave the industry. That’s right - bye bye Hollywood, bye bye dreams, bye bye TV. I’m quitting you.

Granted, not EVERYONE in Hollywood is this horrible Me! Monster. I’ve had the remarkable good fortune to meet some brilliant, kind, insightful, delightful people in my journeys, too. And I know there are horrible people lurking wherever I may wander. I’ve got my head on straight. I only ever wanted a platform in which to tell my stories, and I’m becoming increasingly aware that this isn’t the way for me to get it. I don’t have what it takes to “make it,” and I’m really okay with that. I’m off to go write books and work freelance with companies I actually care about.

I think the hardest part about working in film and television is all the peer pressure. I don’t know if most of us that are swept up in the industry tide are even fully clear on where we’re there - we only know that everyone else says it’s a very big deal and we’re very important for being in the club. I once had an old college professor declare that I was “one of the few who’ve made it” after I landed my first gig on a TV show right after graduating, and for a while that compliment felt really fucking good. But upon further reflection and some time spent at said job, I began questioning his statement… THAT was making it? What the hell crap jobs did other alumni hold that made mine look so superior?

It’s easy to get caught up in the idea of ritz and glamour (Who doesn’t love name dropping? And I’ve worked on some name-drop-worthy shows… that I abhorred.), and it’s very difficult to take a step back and decide whether or not you’re actually happy. How could you not be happy working in HOLLYWOOD?! I’ve gotten some incredulous gapes and very confused head tilts when I’ve announced my decision to people who still believe that I’ve got it made. And it’s hard not to feel spoiled to turn my nose up at this career when I know how many people are clamoring at Hollywood’s doors, begging to be let in, even just to work as a lowly Production Assistant cleaning up stars’ dogs’ poop and working 24 hours a day. Well, good news to all of you looking to break in: I hear a spot just opened up where I used to work. And for some of you, a small few, all that poop-shoveling might actually get you somewhere if you’re willing to do it long enough.

My reasons for leaving are beyond triple-fold, but certainly the immaturity and insincerity of the people I’ve worked with in the past is one of the biggest factors. It’s just not the type of work environment I feel comfortable in, and it’s certainly not one in which my voice would ever get heard. The whole reason for my departure is that I still have big dreams, and I want to figure out the best way to make them come true.

And even though I’ll conceivably get married soon, I’m hardly looking to settle down and become a housewife or some shit. But I do want to spend every possible moment I can with the love of my life, which means I don’t want to be working until 9:00 at night any more, coming home too exhausted and angry to do much more than eat and fall asleep. I want to surround myself with people who don’t hate their spouses and children, who actually have someone to go home to, who aren’t lonely sad sacks who will never know love because they’re too wrapped up in their own egos to care about anyone else.

It’s been painful, reexamining the path I’ve been heading down for so long. This is what I went to college for! What good was that education? Did I waste all that tuition money? And I’ve worked so hard to get where I am right now! Were the past couple years of work all for nothing? Have I been wasting my time and my life? What good were all those tears I’ve shed?

I know changing careers is a huge decision for anyone, whether you’re deciding you don’t actually want to be a doctor, an accountant, or a TV screenwriter. No matter what, it’s something you’ve poured your soul into. It’s hard not to feel like a failure when you finally face the truth that what you’re doing is all wrong. However, I’ve chosen to look at this decision as powerful instead of weak; after all, not many people are willing to take charge of their unhappiness because it’s fucking hard to start looking for happiness elsewhere. Part of you still wishes it could be found right where you are, even though deep down you know it’s simply just not there.

But like the image says: I’m not giving up. I’m just starting over.

The Manic Pixie Dream Girl Is Dumb.

This is a fascinating revelation: there is a trope that the blog Feminist Frequency has dubbed the “Manic Pixie Dream Girl,” and it’s permeating modern television and film in a very bad way.

The Manic Pixie Dream Girl is a cute, bubbly, young (usually white) woman who has recently entered the life of our brooding hero to teach him how to loosen up and enjoy life.  While that might sound all well and good for the man, this trope leaves women as simply there to support the star on his journey of self-discovery with no real life of her own.

I have seen all these movies and I hated all of them, especially because of these female characters!  I KNEW there had to be a reason… after all, I am in love with Natalie Portman, so hating her was extremely painful for me.  And it’s the reason why I can’t stand Zooey Deschanel and her character in “New Girl” – she’s a one-dimensional little girl with no real substance to her.  These characters are popping up more and more frequently, and it terrifies me.

Look: women have it tough.  This is nothing new.  We’re marginalized, judged, persecuted, categorized, and segregated all the time.  We ladies have come a long way since, say, the 1960s, but things still aren’t completely fair.

In fact, I’d argue that the sexes will never evenly align – our very genetic makeup fights against this.  Men will always feel the primal drive to reproduce, thus making women their targets, and a target will always be, in some ways, a victim, even if she does “hold the power” by having the choice to turn the man down.  Men will never fully be able to look at women and think, “Yes, you are my equal” without first thinking, “I wonder if she’d be willing to fuck me.”

Men, I think it’s fair to say, are obsessed with women (provided they’re heterosexual, obviously).  And when art came along, this obsession became channeled into the euphemism known as the “muse.”  Women are featured prominently in statues, paintings, and literature, mostly because men think about sex every second or something ridiculous like that and women are the embodiment of this preoccupation.

Now men, don’t get your balls all in a bunch – I am exaggerating (mostly).  I know you are capable of thinking about more than sex, and that modern civilization was founded on the backs of hardworking men while women were busy washing clothes and getting their nipples sucked raw by their hundreds of offspring and whatever.  Bravo, well done, you have a large package, blah blah blah.  Just hear my cry: STOP OBJECTIFYING WOMEN IN STUPID WAYS.

I really have no problem with men slobbering over women.  Adore us, shower us with diamonds, write love poems about us, whatever.  But please be an eeeeensy bit more discerning about the type of woman you depict as your ideal.  Showing a male protagonist falling for an idiotic, selfish, one-dimensional bitch is an insult to both the female AND male sexes.

The Weight Of The Nation.

Want to get real depressed real fast? Watch HBO’s compelling new documentary series “The Weight of the Nation.”Don’t worry if you don’t have HBO - the episodes are available to everyone with cable on HBO On Demand as well as online for free. The series is comprised of four parts, each about an hour long, that discuss the precarious state of our nation’s health - namely, that Americans are gaining too much weight at a startlingly rapid rate.

Here are some super-discouraging facts from the show’s website:

Over one-third of U.S. adults (~36%) are obese.

Approximately 12.5 million children and adolescents aged 2-19 (17%) are obese.

Only 25% of US preschool children get the recommended daily servings of vegetables.

Nationwide, only 4% of elementary schools, 8% of middle schools, and 2% of high schools provide daily physical education.

Only about 18% of adults get the total amount of physical activity recommended for good health; 36% get no physical activity.

Medical expenses are 42% higher for an obese person than for a normal weight person.

Everything is fighting against us - all of society’s external pressures are ebbing us to gain weight, not to get healthy. We’ve created, essentially, a national eating disorder, because from our first stages of development our brains have been trained to love eating and to eat as often as possible. There are government incentives in place to encourage farmers to grow corn and soy (which get turned into high fructose corn syrup and other unrecognizable, unhealthy food products), but there is no money available for those rare few farmers who still want to grow fruits and vegetables. All of the affordable food options in the stores have been processed to the point of non-recognition and are loaded with non-nutritious calories. Meanwhile, our lifestyle habits have changed: we work up to 12 hour days (mostly sitting at desks), stare at screens of some variety all day (which almost consistently deliver advertisements to us, however subconsciously), and we have so much to do there’s no time or energy to cook meals at home. Is there any way to break the cycle?

If you are one of the rare healthy, active individuals with a healthy BMI, good for you. But even that doesn’t give you permission to sit back and ignore the fat/sugar/salt-fueled chaos that surrounds our nation. This documentary is a rousing call to arms for everyone. Why is there not a single park in poorer cities like Santa Ana, CA? Why have most grade schools been able to get away with completely eliminating a Physical Education program? Has anyone stopped to look at the food offered in school cafeterias? What about workplace break rooms? Why does a super-sized Coke cost $1.00 but a bottle of water costs $1.29??? I mean, good god.

It’s all so ridiculously frustrating that after watching “The Weight of the Nation” I was compelled to throw my remote at my television. I didn’t (thank goodness), but watch this series and I guarantee you’ll a) want to put down those cookies and b) start looking for ways to improve your own health as well as that of your community. Hey, it may be just a documentary that proportionally not that many people will see (and certainly not the low-economic communities who suffer the greatest from this epidemic), but small steps are what it will take to eventually turn around the rapid decline of our nation’s health.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go hunt down a farmers’ market. I’m craving kale.

Advice On How To Make It From A Real Reality TV Coach.

Hollywood: the land of fame, fortune, and reality television.

Yesterday, my boyfriend and I were having lunch out on the patio of a Panera Bakery (I know, super fancy) when we noticed the rather strange dynamic at the table next to us. 

There sat (slumped) a teenage girl with over-sized glasses, short shorts, and flip flops, twirling her hair and staring off into the distance, dreaming of doing tequila shots with her friends by her parent’s pool.  Across the table, holding a stack of papers and leaning in to the girl a little too eagerly sat a middle-aged man.  Was he her father?  Her much-older boyfriend?  No.

He was her reality coach.

Apparently, that’s a job.  There are even whole reality tv schools committed to coaching young egotistical hopefuls into “making it big,” just like their idols Khloé Kardashian and The Situation (Check out my hip, timely references! …I don’t watch reality TV).

It was not difficult to figure out that he was coaching her about how to audition for a reality show once we overheard him say this:

“You need to practice in front of the mirror, in the shower, everywhere.  Look at yourself as much as you can when you talk.  Everything you say about yourself is the most captivating, engaging thing that has ever happened.  And always pretend to be talking to a single person.  In the industry, we like to call this ‘reality etiquette.’”

There’s such a thing as “reality etiquette,” guys!  Who knew?  Them reality stars is so classy.

When walking the girl through how to tape her audition video, Mr. Coachy McDouchey said this:

“Are you sitting, or standing?  Let me hear your lines…  Okay.  I will say that by the time most producers hear your age, it’s over.  So you need to work on your pacing, so that by the time you say you’re sixteen it breezes by so fast they don’t catch it.  Boom! Amazeballs time.  They love you.”

I know exactly what he’s talking about.  It’s Amazeballs Time every time I enter a room.  What! 

And of course producers don’t care about corrupting teen girls.  Hello, “Pretty Wild”:

I know.

Curious about how a Reality Hopeful catches the attention of said producers who don’t care if she’s underage?  All she has to do is follow this brilliant piece of advice:

“You need to be the girl who gets drunk and pees in a urinal, gets caught, and says, ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.  Wasn’t me.’”

I honestly wish I were making this shit up.

Here’s what “reality etiquette” dictates you should say at the end of your audition:

“At the end, say, ‘Thank you for your time.’  Then say, ‘I’ll see you again in two years if someone else hasn’t snatched me up first.’  With attitude.”

Thanks for the free coaching session, Creepy Man Who Secretly Wants To Rape His Young Female Clients!  I’m sure my parents would have been FINE sending me to hang out with him on a Saturday afternoon in the back of a Panera.  If only… oh, to be sixteen again.  Girl’s got so much to look forward to in her stardom-filled future.

Rejection Sucks, Doesn’t It?

The most difficult aspect of an oh-so glamorous life in Hollywood is the fact that no one has a steady job.  You work one gig, which you hope lasts long enough that you’ll be eligible to collect decently sized Unemployment checks, then you get kicked out to the curb with maybe a reference or two, if you’re lucky.  Over and over again.  

However, it’s not just those of us insane enough to think we can make it in showbiz that face constant rejection.  Hello, Modern-Day Depression!  Yes, it’s getting better, but to all recent college grads, I ask this: How’s that working out for you?

I could tell you to embrace rejection.  I could say it strengthens character.  I could tell you to suck it up, hold your head high, and keep on keeping on.  But, really, let’s be straight here: rejection sucks, plain and simple.

Nothing’s more humbling than interviewing for job after job, only to face an Inbox flooded with generic form rejection letters that read like this:

Dear Applicant,

Thank you so much for coming in!  It was such a pleasure meeting with you.  

Unfortunately, we found someone that’s waaaaay better than you are, and we gave them the job instead.  This person is unbelievable - they got a 5.0 GPA in college, they made millions off their own self-produced work by the time they were 9 years old, and they are close family friends with the Obamas.  Did we mention they complete in monthly triathlons, freelance as a print fashion model, and volunteer on weekends at the local animal shelter?  Oh, and they seem REALLY eager to work, and they have no qualms about staying chained to their new desk for 16 hours a day.

In contrast, you came across as rather vanilla.  You seemed nervous; you laughed WAY too frequently, which obviously led us to assume you had mental problems; you also smiled too much, which made us uncomfortable since we never smile; you seemed confident, which is just plain irritating; you said you liked the painting hung in our office, which we HATE; you look a little like our mother-in-law, who we also HATE; your name is the same as our former assistant, who we hated so much we bottled up our son’s saliva when he had mono and dumped it in the assistant’s coffee when she wasn’t looking, which is why this position is currently available; and, finally, you’re a female.  We make it a strict policy to only hire one menstruating individual at a time at our company, and Monica in Accounting is currently filling that slot.

Don’t take it personally, though.  We’ll definitely hold on to your resume so that we can use it in our annual Resume Bonfire, in which we laugh maniacally as we burn the hopes and dreams of all young people who dare walk through our doors in their finest interview suits with the optimism of dumb cows.

Thanks again!  We wish you the best of luck!

A Discourse On The Food Network And Dogs.

I’m funemployed right now.  Ah, the joys of working in television, amiright?  (BTW, I work in television.  Big reveal!).  This is great because I get to spend all day with my dog, Corgi, which makes me happy.

This is him:

So freaking cute.

Corgi likes to watch TV.  Whenever I have to leave the apartment, I put it on to keep him company so that he doesn’t destroy everything in a tedium-fueled outburst of rage.  So far I’ve only come home to a couple of piles of poop, so I think it works.

I don’t want to freak Corgi out with loud sounds of explosions or sex, so I usually put on the Food Network.  I mean, yes, shit gets real when the kale and Swiss chard polenta cakes start to burn (See how I just made a recipe up?  BOOM I’m a chef!), but for the most part the network’s programming consists of middle-aged women talking in sweet/grating lilts about how much they ADORE hosting dinner parties with all their friends who also have nothing but free time to eat extravagant meals on their host’s patio near the herb garden out back. 

It’s all calm and soothing until this woman comes on:

I came home today and Sandra Lee’s show “Sandra’s Money Saving Meals” was playng.  Bitch tried to tell me she understood how hard it is to live with no income and showed me how to make my money stretch.  She’s like, open a box of Hamburger Helper and add dirt instead of ground beef!  (I’m totally making that for dinner tonight.)  She is absolutely insane.

Evidence:

This was for a Halloween-themed episode.  Oh Sandy.  You so CRAZY! 

(Someone get her to a mental hospital, STAT.)

I’ve decided I should pitch the Food Network a new show: Canine Cuisine.  It would be all about how to prepare food for your dog.  It would feature a rather fat dog who happily chomps away on the food the host would prepare.  The first episode would be beef, and the host would feed him a slab of raw beef!  Then chicken!  (Cue chunk of raw chicken.)  Next week, pork!  (Throw in a nice ambient sound of a pig squealing as the dog eats.)  I’m telling you, it’s the best idea ever.  Don’t steal it - I just copyrighted that shit with the WGA.

Why “Parks And Recreation” Is Awesome.

“Parks and Recreation” is easily one of the best comedies on television today.  If you have never seen the show, don’t talk to me again until you get caught up.  Same goes for “Community.”

Last night’s P&R episode, “Live Ammo” (which marked the show’s return after a mid-season hiatus), was laugh-out-loud-uncontrollably-funny.  Now in its fourth season, the show suffered a little from funny-burnout in the first half of the season, but “Live Ammo” marked the show’s strong return to its former unstoppable stride.  

Here are the highlights from “Live Ammo”:

April organizes a pet adoption fair to help local shelter animals.  Her reasoning behind her goodwill?  

April: “[The animals] should be rewarded for not being people.  I hate people.”

My hero.

Among the pets featured is this adorable pig, who I want to adopt immediately:

Andy: “Pigs are awesome!”

The best part of the episode is when a woman shows up to the adoption fair carrying two cat crates.  She drops them off on the table in front of April, asking:

“Is there where we drop off our unwanted cats?”

Chris tells Ron that he is being considered for the position of the next Assistant City Manager.  Ron then explains his goals, in what may be the most brilliant line the show has featured yet:

Ron: “I have so many ideas. Some are simple, like take down traffic lights and eliminate the post office. The bigger ones will be tougher, like ‘bring all this crumbling to the ground.’”

I think it’s fairly obvious why I love this show so much.